My son proposed to his fiancée about six months ago and she said yes. They’re super happy, we love her family too. I just found out today that another girl is in love with him and plans to propose next week…. should I say anything? Oh and also, he’s 4. They’re all 4.
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MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.
I took a girl back to my flat.
“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.
“What gave it away?”
“The scissors, mainly.”
Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today
me: inflation, right?
my grandpa: security cameras
I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
*man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school*
*teacher walks towards man*
“are you expecting a child?”
“no thats from all the beer”
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods
I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.
“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.
The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
Autocorrect always tries to correct JFC to KFC. Because who doesn’t naturally scream about fried chicken, when being somewhat flabbergasted or expressive in posts?
My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.
I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
New mindset, who dis?
Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok
Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
TEENAGE JAMES BOND: its actually just a learners permit to kill. I can kill, but only with an adult over 25 and not after 10pm
“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter