Me: I don’t want to dwell on that.
My brain: OK, let’s put a pin in it and circle back later. Is 3 a.m. good for you?
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my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.
Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??
me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!
The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.
all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids
My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.
Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars
I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?
My parents: we have something to tell you
Me: ok
Parents: remember when wesaid your dog went to live on a farm
Me: Ya, muffin
Parents: well that didn’t actually happen
Me: oh no
Parents: he was actually arrested for smuggling fentanyl into the country in shipping containers
yes… yes…
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom
Crying is a sign of leakness.
My kids have apparently started a neighborhood rock washing business, they stick them in their pockets, I unknowingly put them through the machine and they come out all shiny on the other end
I cleaned off the top of my desk so I’d feel like I accomplished something. Now I just have to clean up the floor where I threw everything.
me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower
My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!
Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
People: Let us know if you need help!
Me: Okay I need help
People:
when you were a kid did the kids tv programmes do this thing where they hit people with a “custard pie” but the “pie” was clearly just a paper plate with a little bit of foam on it, as though we were stupid. As though we could not perceive their dishonour