Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.
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Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.
[job interview]
“Do you have any addictions or habits that we should know about?”
*takes long drag from cigarette*
Not that I’m aware of.
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.
I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!
me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen
coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.
Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”
ME: I’m taking it back.
WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.
ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?
Nothing brings neighbors together like a few cops cars in front of another neighbor’s house that no one likes.
[kitchen]
SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.
“Choose password”
> 123bob“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
> gameofthrones“OK”
Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.
*just after death, I head toward a bright light*
ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?
JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*
ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
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Pros & cons of being a skeleton:
Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..
Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone
Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
“How was your first day of school sweetie?”
*in tears* JEFF HAD THE SAME SHIRT
“Oh…I’m sorry”
*rips Batman shirt* I’M NEVER TEACHING AGAIN!!
Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”
A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold
I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe
I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.