I broke up with a woman once, she was beautiful but dumb, I kicked her to the curb because she couldn’t tell the difference between my bedroom door and the neighbor’s bedroom door.
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[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*
Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.
I’m good, thanks.
When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
That’s amazing.
The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
I have one of those signs in my house that says:
“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”
I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.
[1st date]
*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*
*but also, be sensitive*
I like to work with my hands,
But splinters make me cry.
Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.
my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”
Me if I was on the Titanic.
Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor
Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool
“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”
Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?
[Bed]
Her: Can you turn off the lights?Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*
Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-
*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*
Her *softly* holy shit