I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.
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Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.
Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.
Lamb: THAT’S your advice?
Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.
Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!
Therapist: (grins sheepishly)
Lamb:
Therapist:
Lamb:
Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…
Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.
“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers
I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot
My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.
What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.
Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded
I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?
Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
Stooooppp!!! 😂😂
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
Love when horror trailers are like “straight from your nightmares” when your nightmares are usually like a buffalo chasing you through a mall but it’s also your mom
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
I’d give my wife my coat if she’s cold but I’ll take it back if I become cold and maybe she’ll be prepared next time we go out.
REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:
boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them
me: oh, I don’t.
boss:
me: anything else?
Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
wife: oh cool, the zoo reopened
me: [sitting on couch shirtless in cutoff sweats while drinking beer] why would I want to go look at a some bored dumb animal who sits around all day doing nothing
Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.