I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.
You Might Also Like
[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.
[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery
I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.
This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?
“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
Every time my phone rings
Things I have in common with an avocado:
-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips
OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.
My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.
Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X
I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive
Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol
genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u
me: random rule but ok
genie: seriously don’t even try
me: ok i won’t
genie:
me:
genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments
Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.
My brain considers names irrelevant information.
Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”
SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York
ME: It’s The Hudson
HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.
WIFE: Oh ffs
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
Teach your children to beatbox
Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.