someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc
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[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”
We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags
Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.
If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”
I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.
Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.
Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.
Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”
All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.
If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing
Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.
I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
[first date]
him: what’s the one word that best describes you?
me: I’m acerbic
him: I’ve never met anyone from Acerbia
me: no it means I have a sharp tongue
him: I bet that comes in handy when you’re chewing your food
My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.
the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
me: [on the phone] mom can you come pick me up
boss: hey we’re in a meeting
me: [avoiding eye contact] because they’re being mean to me
Prior authorizations be like:
My doctor: You need this medicine.
Dr to pharmacy: She needs this medicine.
Pharmacy to insurance: Her doctor says she needs this medicine.
Insurance: Does she though? Let’s ask her doctor.
Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
[using ouija board]
R2…L2….L1….R2…LEFT…DOWN…
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]
[First Date]
I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*
You better watch out
*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?