she has a point
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“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”
folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah
I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
Want to talk trash? Recycle.
Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.
Sad how shallow some women can be. I was informed the girl I like said she’d NEVER date a guy w/ a job like mine. Sorry I’m not some hot shot lawyer or doctor. Idk, maybe embezzling money from a children’s cancer research fund isn’t the most prestigious job but it pays the bills
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
See..?
.
Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.
I threw a ball for my dog.
May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.
If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”
Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
Cashier: what’s with all the pineapple juice?
Me: *winks*
-Spends the night making delicious umbrella drinks with my cat.
Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?
Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?
God: Yes.
Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?
God: Horizontal Pupils
Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*
God: YouTube is gonna love you.
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session
Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything
Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?
🙁
turn that frown upside down
):
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
Me: You can’t fire me, I quit!
Boss: You can’t quit, I fired you!
Me: You can’t quit me, I’m fire!
Boss:…
*our eyes lock and we kiss*
Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!
Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either
Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.