Thinking about my friend who wanted to explore her bisexuality and finally plucked up the courage to go to an ‘introduction to beavers’ workshop at the lesbian camp at a festival we were at, and it was an ecologist talking about beavers (the mammal) for 90 minutes
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Don’t think of Daylight Saving Time as losing an hour of sleep.
Think of it as being one hour closer to breakfast.
I don’t think my family will ever accept me.
First it’s “get a hobby,” now it’s “stop sacrificing our chickens to lesser-known gods.”
I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”
If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*
Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
Man: I’d like to buy a fur coat please
Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store
Man: I’d like to buy 200 gerbils please
The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.
I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.
I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air
everyone: [puts hands up]
me: [already mad with power] one hop this time
friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??
me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking
The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.
Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.
“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.
Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine’s Day.
When they answer “dinner”, you should say “no…after that”.
For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn
If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.