34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
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My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.
Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?
Me: No, I do.
Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
*goes outside*
*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*
*regrets today’s choice of underwear*
Once my wife asked me to tell her a story that would put her asleep, so I said “let’s talk about the history of operating systems.”
The exasperated gasp and nearly audible eye-roll told me I was on the right track! 😜
9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.
If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.
Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.
We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?
Wife: Absolutely not.
Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?
Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF
*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.
If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.
Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
Shot pool with my 15yo son.
Taught him a valuable lesson.
You can restart a video game 1000 times.
You can only lose your allowance once.
A bold strategy
I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.
My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.
M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.
H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.
M-
H-
M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.
ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.
7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches
Watching Finding Dory & her parents call her “cupcake.” How do they know what that is?
This movie doesn’t seem very realistic, you guys.
Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.