Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers
Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??
Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER
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This makes total sense…
i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
2nd Rule of Parent Club:
If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.
date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!
“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.
Tastes like chicken.
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
When you take Google Maps too seriously.
As an imaginary forensic pathologist I’m pretty disappointed in how many full fingerprints I left on the scotch tape while wrapping presents.
I’m tired of being the only single person in my friendship group, so I’m going to make a real effort to get out there and meet new people. One of them is bound to have some good ideas for sabotaging my friends’ relationships.
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.
My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now
One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone
I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.
well, guess what, Brianne?
Happy 25th anniversary
Tell Dad I said hi
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
Me: how are you
Friday: good