Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious
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This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
He is just living hist best little life 😊
I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
Waking up and having 3 hours before my alarm goes off: *sleeps*
Waking up and having 3 minutes before my alarm goes off: *SLEEPS FASTER*
*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*
*wakes up in Emergency*
When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it
If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
Of course I stay hydrated.
Carbohydrated
Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today
A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!
Me: Our neighbor died last night
Him: Who, Ray?
Me: My God honey, I know you didn’t like him but it’s not something to celebrate
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her
the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.
[i go to the aquarium wearing my cowboy boots and hat] “can we get extra security at the seahorse exhibit? yeah, he’s here again.”
NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE
H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?
Me: … … … Yes.
sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
[PHONE]
“TSA, How can I help you?”
Me: “Why did you guys put my frog on the No-Fly List?!”
Agent: “Umm…”
Me: “DAMMIT, HE’S STARVING!”