Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!
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Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!
Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.
YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you
The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”
Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge
Sis:
M:
S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
I’m a professional burglar. I’ve always been careful to not shit on my own doorstep and have made a point of leaving my neighbours alone. This is not made easier by the local Whatsapp group where people regularly state their holiday dates to everyone
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
whenever i eat at a restaurant i make sure to sit with my back to the wall facing the door, that way if a dracula comes in i can kill myself before things get too scary
[Murderer chasing me]
Murderer: YOU’VE DROPPED YOUR WALLET
Me: oh, I thought you wanted to kill me
Murderer: *ruffles my hair* I’m a murderer, not a thief! *starts stabbing me*
Me: *goes for midnight jog*
My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE
ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me