TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying
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“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
[writing my will]
me: what is cremation
lawyer: they’ll turn your body into ash
me: oh sweet so do i also get a pikachu
“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit
My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:
A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
Thrilling chase underway
Me: “I updated the employee handbook like you asked.”
Boss: “This is just a book with pics of everyone’s hands.”
Me: “Pretty cool, right?”
Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.
Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?
“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
Raisins are grape jerky.
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.
At Walmart this lady was trying to reach the top shelf by stepping on a lower shelf, she knocked over a jar and salsa was all over the place, she says can you help me? So I handed her a bag of Fritos from the top shelf.
You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.
Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*
I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life
I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.