I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
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This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
FRIEND: Where were you?
ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor
FRIEND: Flu?
ME: Nah, just drove really fast
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.
We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.
This should be good.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?
At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
John Lennon got shot and died.
Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.
Not even a contest.
When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.
Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
I used to think that ‘Gun point’ and ‘Knife point’ were real places. I’d see or hear media reports about things like; ‘man robbed at knife point’ and think ‘ooh, never want to go there, too much crime.’
I was at an outdoor cafe in Chicago when two tiny beetles started having sex on my table, in broad daylight, like it was no big deal. That town is going to hell.
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*Hey baby, what’s your name?
“Robert”
If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children’s houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they’ve left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time
All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.
SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?
ME: oh, I don’t work here
*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*
BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it