Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
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( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.
High school teachers: You are to write about the use of the color yellow in The Great Gatsby. If it’s less than 10 pages I will CALL THE COPS.
College profs: Write about an entire religion. I don’t even care which one but if you make me read more than 3 pages I will end my shit.
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂
My husband and 4yo are playing with the doctor kit and toy dinosaurs. My husband named the dino doctor The Dinocologist.
We were definitely meant for each other.
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
A company has a patent to build a 20km high space elevator. Astronauts are now being trained how to avoid eye contact for the 17 hour ride.
Fun fact: if you play Hotel California backwards, and slowed down 30bpm, there’s a fantastic hidden quiche recipe
I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!
Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.
Me: You’re getting so tall!
Child: I don’t really like that because it means I’m getting older and when you’re older you’re closer to dying.
Me: …Oh.
Child: Sorry, I won’t talk about that. It might scare you.
Me:
Child: Because you’re already so old and close to dying.
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.
I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
accurate
My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.
I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?
If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?
My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.
You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.
ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
They say throwing a party is about planning, but it’s really about setting aside your pride and asking your friends and family to bring whatever dumb items you forgot.
Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.
Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…
Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?