A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
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Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward
I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
hear me out : pockets for your socks
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
Job interviewer: “Why do you want to join the Secret Service?”
Me: “It’s a secret.”
Job interviewer: “You got the job.”
I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!
“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”
Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.
As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.
i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)
My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me
Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?
Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*
I’m ok…allergies are bad.