Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
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Topic: Excited about mustard!
MustardNewbie99: Hey guys! Just tried this french mustard and it really opened my eyes! Has anyone else tried it?
InTheCourtOfTheMustardKing
412,294 Posts
Registered 3/13/2002
[SUPER ADMIN – MANDATE OF HEAVEN]
No, we’ve never tried moutarde forte🙄
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic
Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.
All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘
My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
How is Trick-or-Treating not a “protection racket”?
“Nice house you’ve got here. It’d be a shame if it got egged.”
*brings knife to gunfight*
*knife used to cut pizza*
*pizza served & differences resolved*
*last slice up for grabs & gunfight ensues*
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
son: i caught a tadpole!
me: actually that’s a dadpole
son: i’m confused
*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad
The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too
[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
They’re not wrong
just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise
I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
The struggle is real.
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker
this… may be the greatest story ever told
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃