Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
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gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*
A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator
Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”
Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
Me: *grimaces, accepts call*
Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!
Me: Meow
8 PM- “Tomorrow, when I wake up, I’m going to make an actual breakfast with eggs, toast, bacon, & hash browns”
8 AM- *grabs cold pizza from the fridge*
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.
Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?
Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet
[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car
I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.
8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?
M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday
*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60
My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.
I got an email from Nigerian spinach.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
A flock of dads is called a grill.
Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.