i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”
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Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
COP: Tell me what you saw
ME: Jersey Boys
COP: *sighs* at the crime scene
ME: No, at the theatre
Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.
The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online
ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something
My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.
Look, if Jesus had risen from the grave, it should’ve been how to tell us how to get boiled eggs peeled perfectly.
Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands
When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.
There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.
Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.
Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.
I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
If your teens are arguing about the best way to cut sandwiches while holding super sharp knives, it’s a good time to remind them that you can only afford college for one anyway.
[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun
I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.