[quietly opens a beer]
Funeral Director: seriously?!
Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]
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Why do some people call it a “tuna-fish” sandwich? It’s not like anyone calls it a “chicken-bird” sandwich.
verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper
Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.
When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, “DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!” People always clap when she wakes up.
Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*
I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home
Me: what big eyes you have!
Me: what big nose you have!
Me: what big teeth you have!
Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?
my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old
[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
[new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people have asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
We all have our pet causes.
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
Just as the prophecy foretold
[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right