Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
You Might Also Like
Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.
You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300
The caterer: I’m the caterer
My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.
ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN:
You know how when a car in front of you is going to parallel park but they waive you by first as if to say “I’m gonna mess this up and I don’t need any witnesses”?
I wish I could do that for my life in general.
My 6-year-old is sick with a cough, so I told him gargling with warm salt water can help. He looked at me & said, “I’m NOT going all the way to the ocean right now.”
hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?
[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
*opens present
HER: What is this?
ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.
HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?
I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.
Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?
Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago
If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?
GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]
Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*
Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.
villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
villain: shit
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either
Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.