Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.
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just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again
GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.
Stories about panicked mothers lifting cars off their trapped babies… but it’s my wife hauling out 10 cases of wine during a house fire.
Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.
Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
giddy up Office Depot
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”
Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.
*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*
Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels
You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet
[pearly gates]
st peter: welcome everybody-
*i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it’s the rim*
IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.
Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
Me: I just ran into your brother.
Friend: How’s he doing?
Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.
Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.
[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
burglar: [breaks into house]
my dog: “BARK BARK BARK BARK”
burglar: [strokes dog’s head]
my dog: “i have misjudged this very nice man”
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁