My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.
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Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: You’ve already written no
Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess
Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess
cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs
me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this
subtitles are for when you’re eating chips
Tonight’s parenting lesson:
If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.
I need a shower.
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry
Dogs “play sneeze” to show they’re playing and not being aggressive.
What better way to break the ice with your next eHarmony date?
They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.
I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today
My guardian angel deserves a raise
Deadpool was Green Lantern
Batman was Daredevil
Captain America was Human Torch
And we’re just gonna walk around like EVERYTHING is OK???
I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”
???????????????????????
A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.
Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!
Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.