me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no
You Might Also Like
maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground
I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.
Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.
She: I’ve been with my boyfriend for years and we’ve never kissed.
Me: Cos he’s been kissing someone else.
I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate
[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]
This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.
Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?
me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.
“Only God can judge me”
People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
I wish gyms had a “montage” option
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]
Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…
Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
5: “Mommy why not?”
Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”