Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.
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*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”
[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]
him: SLANTY *clink*
me: I think you mean sláinte
him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know
y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.
Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition
Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced
A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.
Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.
Me: I’m sad my favorite beef jerky has been making my stomach hurt.
Husband: Maybe you shouldn’t eat the whole bag.
Me: No one asked you.
I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.
It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life
Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰
The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.
what the hell pray for carter everyone
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions