[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”
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her: i’m leaving u
me: bc of my drinking puns
her: yes
me: alcohol u tomorrow
somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship
people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once
Me: I can’t decide on a name for the hamster
Wife: Why don’t you sleep on it?
Me: Jesus Christ Amy, I’d squash it
My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.
I believe the children are our future.
But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.
I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.
Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date
I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there
3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
angel 1: what are these?
angel 2: strawberries
angel 1: you forgot the seeds!
angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?
angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside
god: *passing by* ooh nice
This tweet lives in my head rent free.
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.
[planning heist]
leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?
me: that’s when I take my break too tho
i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.
Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?
The captain was standing on the deck.
#CardPlayingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
Kids are great at pretend play, like how they pretend no one’s home when the doorbell rings haha wait just kidding ain’t no way they’re doin’ that.
Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.
How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
Me (remembering that girls like cute things): do you like peppa pig?
Date:
Me (remembering girls like tough guys): I killed her