[cross-country trip]
me: can you take over for a while, i am going to lie down in the back and take a nap
passenger: sir i’m not licensed to drive a bus
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When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
This made me chuckle cuz mood
Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
beauty:
beast:
beauty: *sips tea*
beast: *sips tea*
beauty:
beast:
beauty: was this inside mrs. potts—
beast: you know I’ve been too scared to ask
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles
1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?
The two FIFA World Cup 2014 songs are Ole Ola & La La La.
Our linguistic evolution as humans never ceases to amaze me.
“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”
[Massive thud]
“I’ll just check.”
The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”
Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?
Dad: that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health
Me: Dad, there’s an emergency
Dad: use your “always special” cheat code
Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
Boss: you need to take a drug test
Me: not if you want me to do this job
Me: I found this video of a great team-building exercise.
Boss: This is a Hunger Games DVD.
Me: [nods]
living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else
HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING
[before kids]
“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”
[3 years in]
“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”
People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me
wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?!
[later]
ghostbusters (standing in ashes): you really should’ve called the fire department
Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.
[Whole Foods]
Woman: MY COCONUT WATER BROKE!
*I drive her to the hospital and she names her first coconut after me*
Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.