Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
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me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…
aaaaand I’m drunk.
A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain
The first thing you must do when arriving at any beach is write I AM OKAY in rocks just to let any planes passing overhead know that you don’t need rescuing.
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
If you are in the market for a new fridge just know that my 4yo makes more ice pretending to be Elsa than my four year old Samsung refrigerator.
My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
I did my first abdominal exercise since my 4 abdominal surgeries and I can say with absolute certainty that my abs are cake.
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
Scariest things in the world:
1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes
1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.
Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation
Them: and what is this?
Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am
Them: hmmmmm….
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.
I don’t care, the spider’s dead.
OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park
Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?
Thank you.
Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776
I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard
In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.
Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills