Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no
You Might Also Like
I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
🤣
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
There are two types of people who go on vacation together. One wants to be the Indiana Jones of adventures and the other wants to eat themselves into a food coma, and pass out at the pool until sunburned.
More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.
Me: I’d like a nap please.
Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.
Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.
My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!
My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!
Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…
I don’t even know where Kardashia is.
(geography’s not my strong suit)
The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.
Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it
When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run
Armadillo: Go on without me
Snake: no just-
Armadillo: @
Snake: Wait where the hell are you
Armadillo: @
there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment
(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
When you’re cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you’re actually going in the wrong direction
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased
THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap
[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting