At a job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”“Give me an example”
“When do I start?”
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I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
Me: don’t do it
Brain: GONNA DO IT
Me: I’m driving
Brain: HERE IT COMES
Me: there’s oncoming traffic
Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW
Me: you’re going to kill us both
Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST
Me: *pre sneeze face*
Brain: THIS AMUSES ME
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
My 13yo wants a hamster and we told her she needs to prove she’s responsible first so we just keep saying things like “someone who wants a hamster doesn’t leave their plate at the dinner table” and I think we might keep this going until she’s 23
I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.
Him: Let’s get you out of that dress.
Me: Be careful
Him: Why?
Me: If you tug at my Spanx hard enough, I’ll pop open like a can of biscuits.
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
“HOW” – dyslexic owl
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Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?
Prince Charming: check out the babe
Doc: oh that’s Snow White, she’s dead
Prince Charming: I should kiss her
Doc: do you really think that might bring her back to life?
Prince Charming: bring her what now?
What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.
[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though
I took my birthday off of all my social media accounts to see who remembered it. So I got messages from my mother-in-law, the place that does my colonoscopy, and the bank.🤣
[House Hunters]:
Hi I’m a tree enthusiast and my partner collects stamps. Our budget is 6 million dollars
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
shoutout to sookie stackhouse. she resisted eric northman for 3 seasons whereas i would have had my neck exposed, ready to be sucked like a capri sun as soon as he looked my way
I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.
I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how’s your day going?
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me.
Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.