Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.
Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.
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[giving commencement address at graduation]
“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”
My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.
*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.
then why did i get this email
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
[creation of trees]
god: when it’s warm you’ll be covered in leaves
tree: like a big coat?
god: yes but when it’s cold they’ll all fall off
tree: (eyes narrow) how long have you been doing this job
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
Wife to kid: when you grow up you can be anything you want
Me: I mean we’d definitely prefer it if you didn’t grow up to be a serial killer though
Wife: BUT IF THATS WHAT YOU DECIDE TO BE YOU WILL BE THE BEST SERIAL KILLER THIS WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Me and kid:
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”
Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”
I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”
When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.
If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done
Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.
When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny