[first date]
Her: I love big hearted people
Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy
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I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.
Things that interrupt sex:
20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp
ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me
I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?
The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider
[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.
Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
Just because they call the 20yr high school reunion Prom 2.0 doesn’t mean you should wear your prom dress. I know this now.
Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?
5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand
It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..
narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?
My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.
The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
i kicked the back of her seat ONE time
Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.
I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds
I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk
*Meeting GF parents*
What are your intentions with our daughter?
Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me
I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas