asked the wife is she thought me getting that folding phone was a good idea and she said if you wanna fold something try the laundry so the foldy phone ain’t happening apparently
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[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
went into the office today to catch up w my boss and he was like “i can tell you’re really intelligent” couldnt work up the courage to tell him its just a little bit of psychology and pretending to look focused while he talks 80% of the time
What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?
Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
What
We
Eat.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a Product Manager to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “let’s have a follow-up meeting” helps
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
My husband messaged me upset that he couldn’t find his jacket. I can understand his confusion because I’d hung it on the coatrack.
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.
The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective
My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ
ME: *staring into my lover’s eyes in the midst of a warm embrace*
HER: What are you thinking?
ME: *caressing her cheek* I forgot your name.
I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it
guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa-
guard 2: AAAAAAHHH
guard 1: always screams
me: doesn’t that get annoying?
guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it’s actually super awesome
In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
Dear Lord..
me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”
I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail