One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.
You Might Also Like
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?
*possum hospital
Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute
wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.
Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?
PEACH I MIGHT BE
Attacked by a mop.
Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Boss: it’s May
Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas
BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?
ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.
TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle
ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?
Date: everything ok?
Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife
Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?
Me: tonight if you play your cards right
One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.
{Dictating journal because I’m too weak}
ME: I have now been sick for 7 years-
WIFE: 4 Days.
ME: With what we assume to be a bio-engineered super pneumonia-
WIFE: It’s a cold.
ME: No one has ever felt this bad-
WIFE: I literally have the same thing.
Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you
*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.
Two words: No pants.
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden
FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.
PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.
I saw a commercial for the movie The Exorcism and I’m jealous of that devil’s spine crack.
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
What the hell happened in there??
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.
Step outside your comfort zone to plan a play date for your kid with a parent you’ve never met before and endure an hour of small talk in 40 degree weather (because indoor play dates are too risky) only to have your kid ask “and now what?” the second they get back home.