I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
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Me: BEAN!!! Come here!
9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public
Me: Beanie Baby?
D: Mom. No.
Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-
D: MOM!!!
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s
Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.
Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle
I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck
Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]
my phone: spam risk
Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.
Three golf clubs walk into a bar.
The putter ordered a beer, the pitching wedge ordered a gin & tonic.The barman asked the third one if he wanted anything,
He replied “No thanks, I’m the driver”.
#Wednesdaymorning
The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
I SAID: How’s vacation going?
MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
Me: I won’t let anything control me!
My bladder: Lmao
ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”
Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
I don’t have Covid, but when my doctor did the test, she asked, “do you want to do this the hard way or the easy way?” Who would choose the hard way?!
[cat clinic]
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
CAT: Me-ow
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific
Spending all my money on lottery tickets so I’ll either be rich or poor, none of this wishy-washy stuff in the middle
A lot of people still don’t seem to get what social distancing means:
1) keeping two metres away from each other when out and about
2) disabling push notifications on the House Party app
Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.
12yo: Why?
Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.
Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence