Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
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I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.
I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
Robber: I’ll harm you if you don’t answer my questions correctly
Me: oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Me: Over there
Robber: Where’s the key?
Me: In that drawer
Robber: What day is it?
Me: oh no
90 people have swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom.
My biological clock is wheezing.
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.
Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall
[Clown College]
Teacher: Ok so balloon animals are pretty simple, you ju-
Pennywise: *raising hand*
Teacher: Any questions that are NOT about eating children?
Pennywise: *sadly putting hand down*
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem
“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there
The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
I have a video appointment with my doctor.
I’m going to hang a photo of an empty examination room in front of the webcam and show up fifteen minutes late so he can experience what I normally go through.
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.
Me checking my bank balance online.
[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”