Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
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My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic
Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.
Middle age: Hold my beer.
Me: What?
First child: Eats yogurt.
Second child: Smears yogurt all over face, finger paints with yogurt on table, and gives the dog a moisturizing yogurt mask.
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.
I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: is it the body in my trunk?
cop: haha
me: haha
body in my trunk: haha
The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
[Genetics Lab]
Me: One designer baby, please
Doctor: It’s not like that, you..
Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions
Doctor: What? No, you can’t…
Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers
Doctor:
Me: I’m gonna call her Claire
Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?
Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox
Me: “Seems bad that King Charles is ill, his wife is unpopular, and his heir is up to some problematic shit”
2020’s guy: “yeah”
1680’s guy: “yeah”
Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.
I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.
Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.
Hello. My name is Ellie & I just got off the bus while listening to King Of Rock & Roll by Prefab Sprout & accidentally said “hot dog” instead of “thank you” to the driver. I must now leave this planet & never return. Farewell.
did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.
Parenting is fun lol
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.
This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?