friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
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If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.
“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher
I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.
Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you
What is a picnic?
Correct!
GOD: my latest creation will have the body of an ape, the voice box of a parrot, the skin of a pig, and the intelligence of a dolphin. I call it Human, and it will destroy everything else I’ve made
ANGELS: [confused applause]
I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,
“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”
It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
Twin: ya know how we always-
Me: -finish each other’s sentences!
Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER
Twin: so I had an idea…
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
work smarter, not harder
Alfred: *placing pancakes in the shape of the Bat Signal* Here are your pancakes, Master W-
Bruce: They’re Batcakes Alfred. Say “Batcakes!”
First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.
Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.
Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!
Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!
Me:..for the kids…yeah
I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.
If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.
Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.
Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.
[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..
Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.
Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
[Entering Building As A Guy Leaves]
Me: It’s muggy out there.
Guy: I’ll be fine.
*guy is beaten & robbed immediately.
M: Told you.
i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin