We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
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Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?
“What? Why?”
It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..
“It’s OUR wedding!”
I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.
My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?
What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it
detective: this’ll make you talk
suspect: a banana?
detective: *starts chewing*
suspect: *crying* omg peel it
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
My neighbor is pissed at me because I started dating her ex boyfriend so soon after they split up.
She dropped him and I feel the 5 second rule applies here
She does not
To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.
How do you milk an almond?
[before sex]
ME: Did you notice I waxed?
WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows
Me: I have a case of the Mondays.
Lawyer: that’s not a thing.
Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.
[ordering Indian food]
them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-
me: I’m white
them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?
Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin
So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter
Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.
The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”
[Voter registration]
Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals
Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”
[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?
I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.
me: hey, cute dog, what’s his name
guy w/ dog: Robert
me: Robert
guy: yeah
me: [grabs him by shirt] wtf is wrong with you
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.