* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
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It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.
[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.
I showed my students that I can say my ABCs backwards and a student shouted “SHE’S A WITCH!” and then I unzipped my jacket and revealed my Hocus Pocus shirt and they all screamed and the universe has never aligned like this for me
If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t
Her: Give me a chat up line?
Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?
Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?
Me: No, you smell like an animal.
[first day as a mechanic]
customer: can i get a quote?
me: give me liberty or give me death
customer: i meant for the truck
me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out
Here’s an interesting graph about WhatsApp usage during the Franco-Prussian War
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
6 said she wanted to play dolls with me, just like she did with her friend on a play date. We were playing for a minute when she looked up at me super adorably and said, “my friend is funner than you”.
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this
Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen
please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”
The neighbor has a sign next to the sidewalk under his tree reading, “Caution, this tree has a history of dropping branches.” A “history”? Does this tree have a rap sheet? Is he a bad influence on my trees?
me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online
uber driver: oh cool me too
fly splatting on windscreen: same
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
#StillHurts
“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.