*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
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Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken
I confessed to my 14 year old that for the last 3 months I’ve been putting supermarket own ketchup in a Heinz ketchup bottle and he’s been happily eating it without noticing. Shit is going to go down.
Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.
if I was a zebra and I carried a wallet in my mouth I’m guessing a lot of people would assume it didn’t belong to me and that sucks
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
ME: *slides envelope across the table
COP: *opening it* This is half a ticket to an MC Hammer concert from 1990
ME: You’ll get the other half when I’m out of here
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.
“How much for this toaster?”
“An arm & a leg.”
“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”
“A leg & 3 fingers.”
“Deal!”
– Cannibal Pawn Stars
Me: I’d like to return this
Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room
Me: ya it sucks
sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them
[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
[blind date]
Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.
Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.
Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!
Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?
Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.
I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
BRITISH PEOPLE: so, shoe sizes go up in halves to 13 and then start again at 1. Women’s clothes go up in 2s but using only even numbers. Height is in feet made up of 12 inches and weight is in stones made up of 14…
ALIEN: are there any smarter animals we can talk to?
if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.
[At party]
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank