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Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.
Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.
Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.
I am laughing way too hard at this.
me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*
A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.
– the lady in front of me
Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.
Me: You’re welcome.
son: i caught a tadpole!
me: actually that’s a dadpole
son: i’m confused
*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad
If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.
My favourite kid I ever taught when I was a swim teacher was this little 4-year-old Italian boy. One time he sneezed and nobody said anything so he just went “what? No bless yous for Giacomo?”
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.
Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ
Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don’t even have shoulders
Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage
Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this
waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”
Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.
her: what’s your fantasy?
me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me
her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy
me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.
[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in