When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.
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Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.
Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
Years ago my wife and I were on an early date in a Chinese restaurant when a guy came over and said to me: “Can you shut up? You’ve got a very loud voice”. I said: “My girlfriend has very poor hearing. Isn’t that right?” And to her enormous credit she replied: “WHAT?”
Mormon cats have 9 wives.
I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?
BF: Haha your hair!
Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures
We’re just started on a 6 hour drive and the boys simultaneously jinxed each other. They won’t talk until I say their names and they’re silently mouthing things at each other.
I just won the traveling with kids lottery.
I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart
Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news
Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*
ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
In the mood for a horror show so I’m gonna sit back and watch as my kids make a haunted gingerbread house with full blown colds and no Kleenex.
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
If we’re together and you lose track of me, just follow the line of croissant crumbs right on back.
And you may be thinking, “But Katie, you weren’t even eating a croissant when I lost you…”
Trust me.
Time Traveler: “What year is it?”
Me: “2020”
Time Traveler: “oh. Its the first year of quarantine”
Me
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.
[restaurant]
ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny
WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans
Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.
So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”