He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
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parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
Zoom Staff Meeting
Boss: Everyone staying fit?
Bob: I have a home gym!
Carol: I have Zoom Cross Fit sessions.
Me: I have a vigorous moisturizing routine.
I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.
I am also baked goods
Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story
The fact that ‘head and shoulders’ doesn’t have a body wash called knees and toes is as much as a disappointment to me, as I am in myself, for writing this Tweet.
yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road
I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.
I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
Judge: You may
*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*
The defense rests
Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)
Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?
(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)
i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game
[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET
I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
Local News: GREG JOHNSON, 41, ESCAPES BEING EATEN BY BEAR
Bear News: FOOD NAMED GARG RUNS FROM LUNCHTIME
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.
[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Me: WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.
our love will go down in history
like the Hindenburg
When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.