Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
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The guy at the dispensary sold me on live resin edibles and said “just start with one and see how u feel after 45 mins” but i said to myself hey my tolerance is high i can probably take 3 . it’s been 20 mins and i fear i’ve made a grave mistake.
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
😂 amazing answer
In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.
It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
SORRY I GOT IN THE VAN AND ATE ALL OF THE CANDY AND NOW YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
Her: Well, I know I told you that.
Me: *closes eyes*
Her: What are you doing?
Me: Checking for it in my spam folder.
Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.
Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.
Fat chances are my favorite chances
The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.
every. time.
Lambs: “BAAAAAAAAA!!!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhhhh!”
Lambs: “Baaaa!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhh…”
Lambs: “…”
Hannibal Lecter: “Much better.”
Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.
Qui-gon: You will give me the parts
Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks
Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?
Watto: I will give you the parts