Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.
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[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no
[showing off my distressed jeans]
jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH
I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how’s your day going?
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?
ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.
accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”
The only occasions in which I will run:
– Zombie apocalypse
– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD
I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”
Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.
Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.
[Restaurant]
Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.
Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?
Me: Still call it a salad though.
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
TRES leches?! En esta economía?!
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.
[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan
I’ve deleted all dating apps off my phone I’m over it 😭 I’m waiting for someone to meet me in the library while I am reaching for a book that’s too high and just as everything is about to fall on me they swoop in and shield me