When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.
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(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
DOCTOR: You should lose some weight
ME: Ok I’ll consider it
VET: Your dog should lose some weight
ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither
I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court
Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
⚠️ Important Reminder:
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
me: I have a very particular set of skills, skills that make me a nightmare for people like u
kidnappers: like what
me: what?
kidnappers: like what skills
me: [covering mouthpiece] omg he’s asking what skills
wife: ffs
Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that
Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”
Me: “Yes.”
W:
M:
W:
Me: “I mean no.”
W:
M: “How many guesses do I get?”
Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?
Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!
The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?
For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.
People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: i can change, Becky
HER:
ME: into a semi truck
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs