Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink
You Might Also Like
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians
i like to flex on them by shrugging
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it
I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks
Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
Buying In Bulk
In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month
In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.
[Running out of gas in the desert]
Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.
Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.
Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.
Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit
Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
The people on house hunting shows are always like “I am a bus driver, and my partner here collects dead bugs. Our limit is 6 million dollars”.
Get real…
My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”
#SaturdayBears
*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable
Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire
DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?
ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?
Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.
[calculating calories]
Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374
me: we need to go to the ATM machine
thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot
me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude