Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
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If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
Not messing around
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this
Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
GPS: We have arrived at the bank.
Me: Okay, great.
GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.
Me: …What?
GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.
Me: I’m not going to rob —
GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun
Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
I’m getting old. I wake up now and my body is like…
Bladder: better hurry up!
Back: woah, no sudden movements!
Foot: CRAMP!
Head: ouch, did we drink last night?
Neck: CRAMP!
Back: WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT SUDDEN MOVEMENTS!
Bladder: um, so I’ve got some news…
[bum holds his hand out]
“can I have some change?”
change comes from within
“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”
A bunch of bras is called a support group.
Thanks for following.
The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but they’ll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home
Me: Excel, could you copy paste values pls
Excel: (smoking cigarette and eating Doritos) yeah I can do it but it’s gonna take like 10 minutes
Me: why
Excel: (eating three chips at once) because I don’t like you
Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control
*installs google translate*
*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*
*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*
smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.
ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
E: Horse.
A: Uh, seahorse
E: Cow.
A: Sea cow.
E: Idiot.
A: Sea idiot!
Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.
Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.
Them: your child is skipping a nap today.
Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!
Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?
[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.
Wife: you’re drunk
Me: no’m not
Wife: I’M JUST A POOR BOY NOBODY LOVES ME
Me: HE JURSTA PRO BROY FUMMA FLOOR FLAMLEE
Wife:
Me: ok lil bit
My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.